Santa Beware: Home Technology Has Changed

Santa Beware: Home Technology Has Changed

This letter is to let Santa (and his reindeer) know that he's going to have trouble if he expects to follow his old routine in today's modern house.
Thursday, December 4, 2014 - 3:30pm

CAMPAIGN: Schlage-The Keyless Era


Dear Santa,

First, I want to apologize for the gluten-free cookies and tap water. We tried to find a green alternative to milk, but almond farms are draining California dry, and soy milk contains estrogen, not good for your manly "ho-ho-ho." 

This year, the snacks aren't the only problem you'll face. If you hope to slip Zoe's present under the living Christmas tree, you need some inside information. Otherwise, you could spend half the night stuck behind our glass fireplace doors, listening to the security alarm go off as your reindeer slide off the metal roof into our raised bed gardens.

So here's the deal:

No Exit Fireplace. Nobody who cares about energy has an open hearth anymore. Those things waste something like 30 percent of your heat! That's why we put Schott heat-resistant glass doors in our old fireplace. No more draft, but sadly, no more unlawful entry by Santa ... sorry.

Your Keys Won't Work. I know you have keys to every house on the planet, just in case, but you can toss ours out. We kept losing our keys, and when we started renting the place out on airBNB, it was easiest to put in a Schlage keyless lock system that we can reprogram for different visitors. You need to know the code to get it. Just type in SLEIGH on Christmas Eve. That will also disarm the security system.

Zero Tolerance Roofing. Asphalt roofing may have a nice granulated feel when a team of reindeer needs good footing, but it's hard to recycle and doesn't last as long as steel or conrete tile or rubber. So we installed an aluminum roof last year, which should outlive us. Snow and ice fly right off it!  I'm betting your reindeer might too.

Ghosts in the Lighting. When you enter the house, the lights will come on. This isn't Zoe catching you in the act. It's one of our new occupancy sensors. You may be nimble, but you won't slip past them. And don't worry. They'll shut everything off behind you.

Santa, I know change is hard, but look at the benefits of new technology. That GPS app your elves invented lets you keep track of every house you've visited, and which ones you still need to hit. Even your naughty/nice list is mobile now, and it syncs up with the laptop Mrs. Clause uses at the North Pole.

I'm not asking for anything special, in return for all this incredibly valuable information, Santa, but if I did find a Kill-A-Watt meter in my home office in the morning, I'd try to be a lot less naughty next year. I'm just sayin'.

Thanks Santa, have a merry one, and we'll leave the LED Christmas lights on for you, just in case.

Happy Holidays!

Matt Power, Editor-in-Chief, Green Builder